Saturday, October 31, 2015

Our First Parkscope Mailbag!

After having written this blog for so many years, we thought it was high time to give back to our faithful readers with a real, unfiltered mailbag article! Now you can become part of the Parkscope family, and be famous! Like us! (Thinks) Um…

These are real questions from real readers.

I didn’t buy my tickets for Star Wars! And now they’re sold out! Help!
--S. Martinez, Los Angeles, CA

Parkscope: Oh no! We didn’t either! And good heavens, we didn’t realize that it was just playing on one day, in a tiny limited amount of theaters only in Los Angeles, New York, and Bangkok! We were under the impression it was an omni-glut mega movie rollout that will play at 4,000+ theaters around the country and continue for several months! Boy, were we stupid!

Disney raised the prices for Annual Passes again. Is this all they know how to do? Don’t they know they’re pricing out their most valued customers?
--D. Amezcua, Tustin, CA

Parkscope: To be fair, let’s give credit where credit is due. Disney also knows how to:
1)   Close beloved attractions forever
2)   Sue their competition out of business
3)   Make a successful sci-fi movie
4)   Play the same three princess songs all the time, everywhere
5)   Open merchandise stores at attraction exits

So let’s be a little less critical of Disney, shall we? They’re doing the ABSOLUTE BEST they can with their $130 billion market cap, and their stock that has multiplied by a factor of seven since 2009. I mean, what ELSE could they POSSIBLY do with all that money?

I think your park is too crowded. I went there yesterday for Halloween and I couldn’t ride anything because of the lines. You need to do a better job of kicking people out, especially the ones who dress like Trump.
--Billy, Clearwater, FL

Parkscope: Our most sincere apologies! Once we build a park on our website, we promise we will kick out more people than we do now. In the meantime, to make up for this inconvenience, if you print this page out you can use it as free admission to Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween Party!  Just walk on up with this page to the front gate. Tell them Buck sent you.

One time you said that the broken bust in the Haunted Mansion wasn’t Walt Disney, but it totally is! Otherwise how would he have gotten that moustache?
--M. Bohn, San Francisco, CA

Parkscope: Indeed! Great catch, by the way. We didn’t even realize it was Walt Disney until we saw that moustache! We don’t know why we didn’t see it, after all he looks just like he does in his final portrait hanging above his secret tomb underneath Cinderella Castle!

Do you know how I can be an Imagineer? I always wanted to do that but never knew how. Is there a number I can call?
--P. Guzman, Houston, TX

Parkscope: Yes! Call the Team Disney Anaheim information line at (714) 781-3463. Tell them you want to become an Imagineer and ask them who you can send your portfolio to. If they don’t give you a name, send your portfolio to Attn: Professional Recruiter at 700 W Ball Rd, Anaheim, CA, 92802. Then send all of your theme park attraction ideas to Disneyland Guest Communications, via e-mail and hard copy, to really impress them with your creativity! They’ll love you for doing that! You’ll be a shoe-in. And if they don’t hire you, it means one of the few bad apples at Disney is trying to steal your ideas! So when you see your attraction ideas come to fruition in a few years (the similarities might be small, but that’s only because the Imagineers are trying to hide their plagiarism) get them back with an intellectual property lawsuit! Disney will be forced to hire you on the spot as part of their settlement! You can’t lose!

Should I even pay for cable anymore? I don’t even watch sports but they force me to pay for ESPN. Disney is evil :(
--P. Frost, Wichita, KN

Parkscope: You think that’s bad, we hear now you can’t enter the Magic Kingdom if you’re not wearing an Anna or Elsa costume! Are they out of control or what?

Feel like making your relationship what it used to be? Now you can get Viagra online straight to your mailbox! Click on the link below to learn how!

Parkscope: Sorry, our filter was off. We don’t get letters like that very often. We promise.

I was walking in the park the other day, and I noticed that you’ve taken out a lot of the Outdoor Vending carts. You really should put them back, they’re far less expensive than the over-spent and over-staffed QSR locations, and the SPLH metrics guarantees a continued increasing profit margin. Close more restaurants.
--P. Pressler,

Parkscope: (**throws water**) THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!

You can send your (real this time), unfiltered questions to, or send us a message on Twitter!

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